Return to Sender

I think B is contemplating taking a bag of cough drops and just lying in the road hoping someone will fail to see a 6’4″ dude lying there and run him over. Preferably with something big, like a UPS truck. Full of bricks and bowling balls. The Fiend has cheerfully shared his cold with us. I succumbed first, and 6 days later am finally out of the feverish agony I was in and only trying to cough up a lung half the time. B fought it off for a bit longer, but was no match for the combined contamination powers of the Fiend and myself. The Fiend is done being a little snorty-pig and appears unfazed by his first illness. But I digress. A cold, even a Man Cold, is not enough to make B wish for death via brick-laden UPS trucks. What is, you ask? Read on.

Last night, B was in the stage of the cold when your throat hurts like crazy, your eardrums feel like they’re going to burst, and your nose is constantly trying to drip as soon as you set down the Kleenex box. At 1:30am the Fiend started being a little rowdy–he usually just eats and falls back asleep, but I think he thought he’d missed his normal bedtime routine (talking to his mobile, crying, getting held, eating an extra 20ml etc.) by falling asleep early, and wanted a re-do. This is when I finished pumping, and decided to go look in the bathroom mirror because my eyes felt swollen and hurt, and I was itchy.

I turned on the light, only to discover large patches of my body covered in hives (including my eyelids. awesome.) You should have seen B’s face as he held a crying baby and watched his red and splotchy wife tear the bathroom apart at 2am looking for Benadryl while shrieking, “Oh my god, look at me!!” (the Benadryl was in the bedroom). I think this is when he started fondly contemplating the road-lying idea.

Being the wise man that he is, he waited until this morning, when the swelling had gone down (I’m still splotchy in places) before commenting, “I can’t believe I lost your warranty card and can’t return you.”

I guess you’ll have to settle for trying to get the UPS guy to run you over dear.

This entry was posted in B, K, the Fiend, warranty. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Return to Sender

  1. Ma Torg says:

    Sorry you had that reaction, but B's comment is superbly funny.

  2. shtina25 says:

    Ouch – I would have thought getting run over by car jokes were out of bounds. Hope your feeling better K!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Pa Torg says:

    Wow, you guys are having some epic disaster over there! Our version of the cold seems no longer worthy of complaint.I'm sure if it wasn't 1:30 am you would have made a perfectly clever retort about being allergic to pitiful husbands … wait, whose side am I on?(sorry for the deleted comment; I posted under the wrong google id!)

  5. u says:

    Oh god guys. We have been there. I mean, we have BEEN THERE. I'm pretty sure I fantasized about an "escape plan" which involved wrapping the car around a nearby tree. (Yes, with me in it.) It's sort of funny that disaster survivors always imagine offing themselves with the event that nearly killed them in the first place.Everything is going to work out. You have to keep repeating that. Over and over again, like one of those annoying new wave mantras. It will get better. Rest your nose on the top of the little one's head, breathe in that new baby smell, and repeat to yourself – it will get better. All of it.

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